the heart

I tend to be quite straight forward in my life - work, family, friend, and activities. But this morning I realized I am very weak in matters of my love life. 

I was exchanging texts this morning with a man and during our chat I kept asking about future plans we could do and he was just answering with busy responses. Yet, I continue to try ways to engage him because he has been around...as a guy with a few romantic exchanges. It dawned on me that if he truly wanted to spend time with me he would suggest, offer, or show some remote sign of interest wanting to see me. It blew my mind that I would subject myself to such an emotional cutting exercise. 

Later in the morning on the bus, I had a vision come into my mind of me staring at my body lying in front of a bus...going...hmmm...did a bus just hit you, Carrie, why are you down. I guess play kind of a victim mentality when it comes to my love life. 

BUT WHY??? I am really stepping back and asking the question to myself.

Earlier in the week I discovered a past love is in a relationship that has much promise and all the signs of what we didn't have; it was a sting and knife to my gut. I knew it would happen, hell I have been striving for the same thing. Yet I mentally go into victim role.

The reality is I need to not play the victim. But golly gee...I would like a little healthy romantic attention from a good man.